Bah Humbug!

Seriously this is my attitude right now. Not the skinflint part, thank goodness there is a part of me that still knows how to give to others. However, the sentiments about Christmas....well.....right now I totally agree with Scrooge. I feel hard and sharp inside; eaten up with bits of loss, jealousy, and feeling defeated. For a season of hope....I have none. I am tired of hoping only to be shot down.

We have not put up a tree, no decorations, no baking, no visits, no parties, no presents. We are boycotting Christmas. We were driving around the other night and were crabbing about the idiots who waste their money and time on putting up outdoor lights...what's the point- you just take them down in a couple of weeks anyway? For a long while I couldn't figure out why every year we care less and less about these "trappings" of the holidays. It has definiftely gotten worse over the last few years-for both of us. We have no family around to visit, the only friends that I would want to spend the holiday with live too far away, and oh yeah, ALL of them have these beautiful children. I love them dearly...but right now can't stand to be around that...it just makes our absent son seem that much more obvious and painful. We truly thought we would have our son home for the holidays...the fact that he isn't here, with no end in sight is just too depressing for us to contemplate celebrating the holidays. I truly do love and care for my friends but seeing them all living their lives, moving on, popping out babies they weren't even sure they wanted...that hurts.

And, dear readers if you remember this previous blog: jealousy, well, I'm outta luck. They had a beautiful baby girl, a month early.  Now, a good person would be all kinds of excited for them, and after a difficult pregnancy and an emergency c-section they had their babe A MONTH FRICKEN EARLY!!! I know myself enough to know that I WILL love this new babe, once I see her, hold her and fall in love with her. But in the abstract, it is SO NOT FAIR(she screams as she stomps her feet). See how hateful I am? Don't worry, I don't even like myself very much right now.

Huh, I kinda enjoyed that pity party! I think this is what is called "rock bottom".


Timeline check: our journey to bring children into our home began in 2004, after years of trying we lovingly embraced the idea of adoption, paperwork began in 2007, official DTE July 2008, referral April 2010, passed court June 2010 he has legally been our son for 6 months. Visa is no-where in sight....sure I can be perky for the holidays right????? HA! I am tired from this 7 year journey, I have become a royal crankpot...much like Mr. Scrooge.