15 Months and Counting

Still holding onto my "zenness". With all the talk lately of another 6-8 month wait it COULD be depressing if I let myself wallow-which I refuse to do. The reality for me is that another 6-8 months would mean a referral between April and June- ok I can live with that. Likely will NOT make it through court before closures (lets be realistic) therefore won't be doing any traveling until hmmmm....winter 2011? Which puts us at traveling WAYYYYYY to close to my husbands retirement which means he wouldn't be allowed to travel with me....so I am simply going to "will it into being" that we get through court and have fast times on medicals and everything else and can travel before Dec. 2010. Perhaps wishful thinking but....HEY PEOPLE I AM TRYING TO MAINTAIN MY ZEN HERE!!!!

Where You At, Baby?

I love the double entendre of this title. I am in fact thinking both in terms of where my baby is in the world these days as well as trying to figure out my own mind about this whole adoption adventure.

Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to process the fact that my baby might be out there somewhere. Out there with a birth mom and dad and a family, and here I am waiting for something to go wrong so that I can have the chance to be their mom instead. Man what a head trip!

Some nights I just try to imagine what it would be like to hold a child in my arms and not have to give them back to someone else...

Anyway, I heard this song the other day and it just totally summed up how I feel, go ahead, have a good cry if you need to...I did!



You can imagine that I don't sleep much or well lately.

Knowing now that our wait times are longer I...well I mostly just try not to think about it too much. Sometimes I succeed for whole hours at a time!

Oh yeah, and yet another baby shower to attend on Friday. I will go and I will smile and I will cuddle. But in the end I must remember that it is very wrong to smuggle a baby home in my purse :) ! Just kidding of course, but man, I am really starting to hate baby showers. Of course I also have to deal with teh fact that this particular new mother (while I am very happy for her) had been in the middle of the domestic adoption process and then just "popped" up pregnant. Just like ALL those mythical stories people always tell me about. You know the ones, "Oh honey, I knew a woman who got pregnant as soon as they started the paperwork." Yeah, because I chose adoption as the magical cure to my fertility issues. Sheesh!

Double Anniversaries!

Yep, we hit the 11 month mark and our 5th Wedding Anniversary can you believe it? I love him more now than the day we married, which I didn't think was possible. I guess with all that we have been through together it has really helped us to appreciate each other. So, in the spirit of appreciation I decided to list 5 things I love about my DH:

1. He never complains about how messy I am even though he likes things neat.
2. He supports me in every new endeavor-and usually believes in me more than I do!
3. He reads Barbie stories in a Yoda voice to the little nieces in our life.
4. He is willing to workout with me every night and keeps me going even when I want to quit.
5. He is always kind to my friends and doesn't mind being the only guy in the group!

Adoption Talk

I presented to a class of high school students this week about adoption. I was surprised at their insightful questions and the amount of attention that they gave to me. Having taught for about 10 years now I generally know what to expect in a classroom but this was a wonderful treat for me. I only had about 30 minutes so you can imagine how hard it was to cover everything. I really tried to stress that while adoption may not have been the initial road many people expect to travel, it is also not a "second best". It is simply another way of making a family.

Many of them only know about adoption through news on celebrities so the first thing I did was to straighten out some of those misconceptions. Secondly, we had a very honest talk about the different avenues for adoption domestic vs. international etc. and why people may choose one over the other. This was very important to them as, being all knowing high schoolers :) some thought that it would only be right to stick to adopting within Canada domestically as the "right" thing to do. I tried, and believe I was successful, in opening their eyes to the world of adoption and the very difficult decisions that we have all had to make in this journey.

I told them that for my family the most difficult and at times heated part of our decision were during the homestudy process when we had to really examine what we were looking for in a child. Age, sex, health etc. and what we had to do to reach an understanding. I also shared how valuable and necessary those conversations were in helping us understand each other.

All in all I wish I had had more time but I think I pulled it off! Next time I get asked to do that I want to have some show and tell...like maybe have some guests come who have been to Ethio. and back. Or maybe jsut bring in my own kiddo....ahhhh that would be awesome!!!

Lengthened Timelines...Again

What can I say... When we received the update this weekend that said our timelines have officially moved I was soooooo upset. 17-21 months are you kidding me? When we started we were at 9-15 months. Now its going to take at minimum 2 months longer than we had ever been told to expect??? The finish line keeps getting moved. It's not anyone's fault, things are just taking longer. For my family this means no news of referral until December at the EARLIEST (17 months) possibly nothing until May 2010 (21 months). And that's just for the referral (pictures/medical records). Then we get to wait another 4-9 months after that to pass court. At the momemt best case scenario means I could be home with a baby May 2010 worst case scenario puts us at nothing until early 2011. How much can a mothers heart take? I guess we are going to find out????

Things To Look Forward To

Right, I am soooo done with EVERYTHING. Impatient at work, frustrated, stressed. I find that I cry a LOT these days. SO much going on, baby stuff, dad's very sick (he's lost 110 pounds in the last 6-7 months), worried about finances with trying to save the last bits of adoption funds and travel money. I feel like for every step forward we take 3 backwards. I have to make it through 8 more weeks at work before summer break and it cannot come soon enough! I hate to just sit back and whine so I have come up with things to look forward to each weekend to keep my spirits up and help me get through.

Weekends:
May 2 In Dauphin for Act Fest!
May 9 Getting my nose pierced with some girlfriends
May 16 recuperating from oral surgery-ok not fun but it is something to do!
May 23 Sword dance performance
May 30 ???
June 6 ???
June 13 ???
June 20 ???
June 27 ???

I'm open to suggestions maybe I need another tattoo????? Sushi night???? Any ideas, how do you gals help yourselves through the endless weeks?

Baby Names...opinions?

Ok, after much debate my husband and I have definitely decided that we will keep our baby's Ethiopian name (whatever it might be) and give them a middle name of our choice. We find this very important as our child will likely be 2+ years old and already pretty comfortable with their name.

Dilema: I know many people who have "non-standard" North American names and while some revel in their uniqueness, others as adults change it to something similar but more familiar, or simply go by a middle name as they become frustrated with mispronunciation etc. For example a friends husband's name is Sjerup, he goes by Shep, a similar pronunciation.

I hope that our child will cherish the connection to their homeland that their first name provides. At the same time, the act of naming is, I think, a deeply rooted part of becoming a parent and so I am already obsessing over middle names. I want to have a list ready so that once I know the first name I can choose the appropriate middle accompaniment that flows well.

Boy names are easy. We are choosing James after DH's father whom we all miss dearly. I didn't get a whole lot of say in this one (DH is adamant)but I loved Jim and am happy and proud to pass that on to a son.

Girl names get to be my choice (see how fair DH is?). So far my list of favs include:

Abigail- fathers joy
Bella-form of Isabella, consecrated of God
Bethany-house of figs
Daphne-laurel tree
Dawn-sunrise :)
Ella-beautiful fairy woman
Kylie-boomerang
Kirby-?
Lily-flower
Lola (my paternal Grandmother)
Maya-God's creative power
Natalie-born on Christmas Day
Phoebe-shining
Rebecca-tied, bound
Rosemary
Samantha
Simona (not Simone)
Susanne/Suzette/Susannah -some form of Susan for my mom who is awesome!
Vanessa-butterfly

I am interested in hearing people's thoughts. Perhaps you can help me narrow down the list! Be honest- I don't want my kid getting beat up for having a dorky name just because i think it would be cute!

7 Months and Still Smiling

Hard to believe but this weekend marks the beginning of our 7th month of waiting. Laughable really when you consider that this journey began almost from the day that we were married 4 1/2 years ago. Still, I am convinced that God truly does have a plan for us and is one heckuva lot smarter than we are.

I think that I am going to be ok right up until month 12 which is July for us...and my summer break. As long as I am busy I am good... but I think the long summer months might drive me batty. I am already making MANY plans to keep myself distracted during that time frame. Maybe a summer get together with other adoptive moms?

I'm Back

Thank goodness for 2009! A new year, a new start. I have new found energy, motivation, and perspective!!! Getting to see my family over the holidays was a true blessing for me. I haven't spent Christmas with them in 6 years so this was very important to me. I think the greatest gift that I received was from my father. He and I sat and talked about the adoption in great depth. I shared my fears with him my hopes and we talked like we haven't talked in ... a really long time. I think I healed parts of me that I didn't know were broken.

Also, we are creeping up on 6 months waiting now, and I am fine with that. Every month that passes is another month of savings we can build, research we can read, and preparing our lives for the changes that a baby brings.

Peace is finally in my heart. It feels good.

Baby showers....blech.

I am finding it harder and harder to be excited for women family/friends/acquaintances when they announce their pregnancies. I manage to smile, say the right things etc. but inside I am pissed off! Like my brother and his wife that are working on #2 (well, 2 for their marriage but my bro has 5 kids altogether with the 6th due in Nov.). Seriously? How fair is that?

Then, after a hard day at work, I am supposed to go to the staff room and revel in the joy of throwing a baby shower for yet another staff member that "didn't even plan for it" aren't they lucky!?!?! Ooh, and let's top all the joy with trying to force me to hold it, cuddle it, and tell you how wonderful this is and I am so happy for you. *&^$ OFF!!! Is it not enough that i contributed money to purchase lovely gifts- I was happy to do that. Just try to understand my pain in this and don't make me hold it!

In the last two years, with a staff of only 14 women (only 8 of whom are in their "child bearing years")there have been 6 pregnancies! If one more person tells me teasingly to "drink the water, surely that will fix everything and you'll be pregnant in no time" I am going to lose it.

People just don't get it. I am in pain every day about this. I have a child- I just don't know them yet. It hurts every day not getting to hug, touch and love them. To worry about what they must endure until I can be there to protect them. So don't ask me if I want to hold your baby- I don't. I want mine.

One More Step

Just received notice that our application for Permanent Residency for "baby unknown" is all set and ready to go. Now all we need is a referral to help us fill in those blanks.

In running news I did some "bruising" in my right Achilles so am switching to bike riding for my exercise for a couple of days just to play it safe. i also bought this new DVD that uses ballet movements for stretching and strengthening, I think I will add it to my repertoire- I need some grace in my life!

Song of the Waiting Mother

As I was reading through Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best I was moved by this poem. It was written in 1987 by Christine Futia.

Song of the Waiting Mother

I'm pregnant, but my tummy isn't growing.
And no one ever calls me "Little Mom."
The public simply isn't overflowing
With questions that I'd handle with aplomb.

There are no special clothes to mark my waiting.
Nobody stops and smiles as I pass by.
The absence of a due-date is frustrating
And looking at the nursery makes me cry.

When I'm overdue no one will worry.
The phone won't ring and ring as friends check in.
I can't induce my labor in a hurry,
My new life as a parent to begin.

Adoption is a worrisome endeavor,
And waiting all alone is not much fun.
To be "with child" a year seems like forever.
Dear God, we're ready! Please send us our son!

Congrats to Ricki and Bruce!

This couple have waited 16 months + for their referral and finally they know who their son is, it is truly a miracle. I have been following their journey with baited breath. It will be so exciting to see how life unfolds as they prepare to bring home their son. http://halbaueradoption.blogspot.com/

Let's keep those referrals coming!

Our Ethiopian Adoption Journey: Why Ethiopia?#links

I get this question all the time, and frankly, I get tired of answering it. Here is my answer,
written far more eloquently than I ever could manage.

Our Ethiopian Adoption Journey: Why Ethiopia?#links

Thank you Chad and Laura fo allowing me to borrow this.