Winter Wonderland!

Ok, I have to admit this was pretty cool....snow day!!!!  Gotta love those stolen moments where you can stay home and snuggle up in bed.

Seriously....

you don't even want to hear the language that came out of my mouth today.  We've been waiting for a very long 8 weeks to pass to prove (for the 3rd time) that our son is ready to come to Canada free of any illnesses.   I should mention that AT EVERY SINGLE one of the tests he's had so far he has been proven completely healthy (except for a cold) but they refuse to sign off his medical ...WTF?  So we find out today....yep gonna have to wait another 4 weeks for those results.  Are you freaking kidding me?  At this rate the EARLIEST we will travel will be February, assuming all goes well from that point on. Let's be realistic, NOTHING HAS EVER GONE SMOOTHLY OR QUICKLY FOR US in this process.

I am going to go indulge in something chocolately and try to calm down enough to function again.

Bah Humbug!

Seriously this is my attitude right now. Not the skinflint part, thank goodness there is a part of me that still knows how to give to others. However, the sentiments about Christmas....well.....right now I totally agree with Scrooge. I feel hard and sharp inside; eaten up with bits of loss, jealousy, and feeling defeated. For a season of hope....I have none. I am tired of hoping only to be shot down.

We have not put up a tree, no decorations, no baking, no visits, no parties, no presents. We are boycotting Christmas. We were driving around the other night and were crabbing about the idiots who waste their money and time on putting up outdoor lights...what's the point- you just take them down in a couple of weeks anyway? For a long while I couldn't figure out why every year we care less and less about these "trappings" of the holidays. It has definiftely gotten worse over the last few years-for both of us. We have no family around to visit, the only friends that I would want to spend the holiday with live too far away, and oh yeah, ALL of them have these beautiful children. I love them dearly...but right now can't stand to be around that...it just makes our absent son seem that much more obvious and painful. We truly thought we would have our son home for the holidays...the fact that he isn't here, with no end in sight is just too depressing for us to contemplate celebrating the holidays. I truly do love and care for my friends but seeing them all living their lives, moving on, popping out babies they weren't even sure they wanted...that hurts.

And, dear readers if you remember this previous blog: jealousy, well, I'm outta luck. They had a beautiful baby girl, a month early.  Now, a good person would be all kinds of excited for them, and after a difficult pregnancy and an emergency c-section they had their babe A MONTH FRICKEN EARLY!!! I know myself enough to know that I WILL love this new babe, once I see her, hold her and fall in love with her. But in the abstract, it is SO NOT FAIR(she screams as she stomps her feet). See how hateful I am? Don't worry, I don't even like myself very much right now.

Huh, I kinda enjoyed that pity party! I think this is what is called "rock bottom".


Timeline check: our journey to bring children into our home began in 2004, after years of trying we lovingly embraced the idea of adoption, paperwork began in 2007, official DTE July 2008, referral April 2010, passed court June 2010 he has legally been our son for 6 months. Visa is no-where in sight....sure I can be perky for the holidays right????? HA! I am tired from this 7 year journey, I have become a royal crankpot...much like Mr. Scrooge.

If You Buy a Woman a Dress...

I bought this dress.......

so that I feel totally hot at the holiday parties.

Of course a great dress requires great shoes.....

These seem perfect...and walkable/danceable.

Then, of course since I will be dressed so beautifically I just had to make an appointment to get party hair....

Which will be followed by a search for the perfect makeup....

Then we have to get my handsome beau a new set of duds so that he can show me off properly...

I am worse than the mouse that was given a cookie!!!





Still Crazy Busy...or Perhaps Just Crazy!

Honestly it could go either way depending on the day. The good news is that work is going great, I have 2 classes of wonderful students who bring me great joy. Belly dance ended tonight not to resume until March. Zumba carries on....ah Zumba how I love thee....the greatest stress reducer EVER!

Unfortunately still just waiting waiting and more waiting on the baby front.

On the other hand, it HAS taken us the entire time since referral to finally settle on a name for Little Bear. We have waffled on this so much it drove me crazy(er). For a while the poor guy had 6 names plus our last name. We have narrowed it down to three plus the last name. Much more manageable. We will unveil when we know we are traveling-give you something to look forward to. I think the difficulty was that we are afraid Little Bear might be our only child (we would love a houseful but not sure we can go through this emotional upheaval again) and so each had names to include that were important to us. Thank goodness that is settled!

We haven't had an update since September, and call me crazy but I am guessing that from 7/8 mos to 11mos old there are some big changes happening in a babies life....I'd like to know if he is crawling yet, have they started him on any foods besides formula, does he sleep well, oh I could go on and on about the questions that keep me up at night. 

Still, I am comforted knowing that he is well cared for at the TH. I just wish I felt like I knew more of what he was going through. For example, in the Sept. pic we noticed a scar on his leg that was not there before. How he got it we will never know...I don't want the pile of "stuff we will never know" to keep growing.

I pray daily for a Christmas miracle for our family, not necessarily that we will go get him over the holidays, but that we could at least know that he passed his medical and the paperwork has been sent on.  That would definitely be the best gift I could ever receive.

A Little Retail Therapy for MOI

Ok, so its not chocolate and wine but these ARE pretty awesome!

I have been working out so much (zumba 4 times a week) that my old shoes just wore right out. These new Zigs are  amazing to wear and so far I love them! But I had to buy a men's shoe as I refuse to wear the saccharine girly colours. Surprisingly these are narrow enough for a woman to wear comfortably.

For my down time my little nerdy self was ecstatic to find the latest book from the Wheel of Time series on sale-woot woot!!

See, I CAN find things to enjoy in my life today. Right now. I think I had a whole hour where I wasn't worried about adoption. It felt great.

Hurry Up and wait ...again

So we are likely not getting that Christmas baby present like we hoped. Currently looking more like a February baby???????? I was so furious, I am much calmer now-I know there is nothing that I can do about any of it-which makes me more frustrated-I HATE not being in control!!!

Here's the scoop:due to Little Bear's cold/ear infection the immigration Dr. woudn't sign off on the medical form for immigration. Ok, so no big deal, the Dr. says that if the chest x-ray comes back clear the medical will be signed and approved without seeing my babe again (same case for another adoptive family whose son shares the TH with our son). So, the x-rays come back a week later, totally clear-no problems at ALL....the Dr. signs off on the other little boy but does not sign off on Little Bear's medical- WTH???? Then, keep in mind my son has at this point presented as completely healthy...they put him in the hospital for 1 or 2 days (details unclear) shove a tube up his nose and down into his stomach to do a stomach secretions test......that will TAKE 8 WEEKS to get the results back. This is just to get the medical done...doesn't even count however many weeks immigration will need to sign off their approval afterwards.

I understand that Dr.'s are under a lot of pressure to ensure that all immigrants are clear of TB, what bothers me is the seemingly random nature of just picking Little Bear to be the medical version of an audit...yep, he's a TB audit. This just stinks and I am trying really hard to keep a cool face to my colleagues and local folks but the truth is that I am livid over this. How DARE they treat my perfectly healthy baby that way. I could understand doing the tests if there was something in the x-ray that was bothersome...but there was NOTHING wrong!!! Like my son needed that kind of trauma? At this rate we are going to miss his first birthday, seeing him crawl, there is just so much that we are missing it breaks my heart.


I need a hug...and chocolate...and wine....

Another step forward....kinda

Yea! The Visa folks have issued the request for a medical, 'course that was last week...Little Bear had a cold/ear infection so nope...Dr. wouldn't sign off. Sooooo a week of antibiotics, if he is better by Friday MAYBE the Dr. will sign off? Who knows. I hope it works and that we go get him soon the boss is already trying to give away my job...I mean find a mat. leave replacement for me. :) To my American friends- I am extremely grateful that I get a whole 6 months of maternity leave-how awesome is that!?!?! To my Canadian friends-WTF kind of prejudice is this- I only get 1/2 the time that a birth mother gets? no wonder I am so mixed up-I don't know whether to be elated or pissed off and "gipped" feeling.

I am still holding out for the best Christmas present EVER!!!

I want to kiss these lips people!!!!! How cute are they!?!?!?

Back to the Distraction List!

I am driving myself nuts with stress and worry so back to the distraction list.

Technique Number One:  Keep VERY busy
        My Current Schedule looks something like this:
  1. Full Time Teacher-40 hours minimum per week-find time to mark and plan in evenings and weekends.
  2. Teach Belly Dancing Monday nights for an hour (super excited to get this going tomorrow!)
  3. Teach Zumba Monday (after Belly Dance), Wednesday, and Friday evenings
  4. Add in teaching Zumba on Thursday nights starting in October.
  5. Find time to practice presentations for Math program (presenting to other teachers 3 times over next two months), create posters, refine power point, make and take games etc.(of course my division does NOT give me time to do this-all the prep is on my own time), then facilitate monthly meetings thereafter
  6. Present on second math technology program once in Oct. (must remember to prep for this sometime)
  7. Start Dance Club to be held 1-2 times per week after school (I refuse to coach a sport so this is my compromise)
  8. This week alone I have 2 "must attend" school functions

Technique Number Two: When not doing one of the above listed items-cook!
  I am no Julia Child but lately my nesting habits have been in overdrive. This weekend alone I have made "Dump Cake", meatballs in 2 different sauces (one for parties one for spaghetti), 2 casseroles, and Parmesan potatoes (currently in oven). I also have ready to go in my freezer homemade stew, hamburger soup, buffalo chicken wing soup, and a lentil bake. No I am not crazy! Cooking this way ensures healthy meals for my wee family that merely need to defrost and heat. We have enough now that I shouldn't need to really cook for about 2 weeks. If I don't do this type of cooking every night becomes "I'm too tired to cook" and we spend way too much money on pizza and other eating out. Which we cannot afford to do given the extended adoption wait times and US$ each month that we are shelling out for Little Bear's care. I am not in the slightest upset about providing for my son- he is ours and WE WILL CARE/PROVIDE FOR HIM....however ask me how happy I am about the extended wait times, constantly changing process, lack of information, and general VISA wait issues and my left eye starts to twitch....ahem  back on topic :)

Technique Number Three: When in doubt drink!

  Currently I am a big fan of these wines: http://www.grandprewines.ns.ca/winery/wines/  their Pomme d'Or is amazing, also love http://www.blomidonwine.com/  the Baco Noir with any BBQ food is fabulous!  We brought back several cases of wine with us from Nova Scotia and these two vineyards were our favourites.   But hey -anything will do for distraction. I personally love to sip wine while gazing out at our currently spectacular view of the lake in its Fall foliage.

Stay tuned for more distraction techniques!  I hope your life is blissful enough not to need them!

Too Confused to Blog?

I don't know how else to explain my brain these days. All I hear in my head is "when, when, when will that visa arrive?", all I feel in my heart is "sad sad sad" my arms seem to echo "empty empty empty", much like the crib that sits in the room that I can't bare to walk into anymore.

With the latest "hey let's s*%$w with the adoptions of families by asking for new and different VISA documents-just because we can and with no explanation" I think I have finally reached my limit for "must maintain a positive outlook" quota. I am officially done with being patient, optimistic, and silver lining-ish. Congratulations VISA people-you've beaten it out of me!  The woman who was previously known as "sunshine" by most of her friends-is on hiatus. Now there is just a whole lot of stormy, pissed off, mother bear.

Pictures of Summer Moments I Loved

Deck Building:

Lake Moments

My helpers building the crib

Uncle Bart and Curly Sue

Hot Guys and Volunteerism

We live in an amazing community. The military community tends to be very close knit, friends become your families, your co-workers have usually saved your life at least once, and friendship means a lot. To this end you would not believe the way people have rallied around us throughout the adoption. The latest in a long line of amazing and supportive ideas is that the community wants to raise monetary donations for us to take with us when we finally travel to pick up Little Bear and use as seems to best fit needs when we get there possibly orphanages, schools, etc.

How are we going to raise the funds you ask? Well......here's a clue:

Now this is not the actual calendar we will create (I borrowed it off another website: hotguysandbabyanimals.com) but you get the idea.  Our calendar is going to feature soldiers and babies. This is the amazing photographer that is VOLUNTEERING her services: www.amandalazarskiphotography.com

The newborn page on her website will take you to a sample of her photography that embodies the "look" our calendar is going for (especially the part with daddies and babies).  The guys are very excited to help out; we are happy to have another way to raise donations to bring on our trip. I think it is pretty much "win win" all around!

He Has a Name!!!

Just for sh&%$ and giggles we logged into the Canadian Immigration website and there it was! No longer a "null" but an actual name!!! Progress is being made...slowly but it is progress. The little things that can brighten a persons day....

How To Tell When You are Ready to Go To Ethiopia

Your husband is ready and willing to try on the Babyhawk!!! Note the ultra cool and manly calaveras design!

                                       

A 50's Party to Celebrate Parenthood

My girlfriends were so excited about Little Bear's referral that they just had to throw a party. Being my wild and crazy girls it ended up being a 50's theme party. Enjoy the pics!

<>

The happy parents-are ya diggin what Bart calls my Julia Childs look?

A Little Domestic Goddess action

<>

Bart getting some Daddy practice

 

Yeah the final stage!

What a miracle, we have been informed that our docs are being sent to Nairobi for VISA processing!!!!! woot woot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There have been so many stages of waiting during this process, its a little unreal that we only have one more waiting stage to go and it should be relatively short. I hear a variety of timelines, but the most consistent thought at the moment seems to be 12-16 weeks until the VISA is issued. I would be over the moon to have our son home before CHristmas, before his first birthday in January, and hopefully before my sister-in- law gives birth!

I love my in-laws desperately, they are sweet wonderful people but its just a matter of principle that we- who have been trying for YEARS- should get to bring our child into the family first. "She who got pregnant on her honeymoon" (my affectionate term for the SIL), after a 3rd degree sunburn, jelly fish sting, and broken leg (yes she still managed to get pregnant)is due in the first week of January. Come on VISA people-don't let me down!

Don't hate me people, I am just one crazy Momma who has waited forever to know the face of her son.

Hitting the Sanity Wall

I can feel myself edging toward that crazy place again. That place that only an adoption process can take a normally calm reasonable person and turn them into a psycho who checks email/websites constantly, obsessively talks and dreams about the future while not enjoying the TODAY, and ignores other important things and people in their life. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME!!!

I have stopped exercising-which I love- yay ZUMBA!!! Started eating crappy food again-hello can we say "emotional eater"? and in general have disappointed myself and sadly my DH who loves me beyond measure and worries for my health, especially after I did so well this last Fall and Winter.

NO MORE!!!!


I had so much fun yesterday going to my friends' competitive event (Mud Bogging) where she took two first places and one fifth place. I thought to myself, when was the last time I had done something that was taking a risk, and I felt proud of myself for accomplishing something? Welllllllll not since I received my Zumba teacher certification and taught my first class-a year ago. The good news is that I only gained back about 5 pounds of the 30 I had lost so not too much damage done, but I definitely need to get re-focused.


Time to recapture that feeling.

I have decided to begin the Body for Life challenge. Not officially, as I missed the deadline, but on my own to give myself a different focus, to live in the now.

So today is my day 1 of my 12 week challenge. I have already finished my upper body workout, and eaten healthfully so am off to a good start.


My hope is to do this 12 weeks so amazingly that my DH will be inspired and want to officially enter the contest with me in the next round as a couple. He's in pretty good shape-don't get me wrong, he can run a 5 K without stopping etc, but he eats horribly, and I think it would be great to try this together.

So there, some goals, a plan, and hopefully a return to sanity.

The Golden Onion

I learned some great lessons from having my niece and nephew visiting. The fancy toys that cost a tonne of money? Not nearly as interesting as... wait for it... THE GOLDEN ONION!!! Oh yeah. Not only can it be taken outside and used to hide fabulous treasures like pinecones and bugs- but with a quick rinse at the hose (and then later by auntie with soap) it magically turns into a FABULOUS tub toy! The Golden Onion can scoop and pour water, lock water inside that won't leak out...the list of wonders is amazing!!! Hehehe, who woulda guessed?

Momma is Ready!

My wonderful family just left this morning, I am a sobbing mess. We had so much fun, I practiced my emerging Mommy skills on my niece and nephew-I feel more ready for Little Bear now than ever before. Thank you little brother for letting me practice on them, they are a treasure. It was hard to let them go, the hugs and kisses, poopy diapers, messy fingers....I loved it all, and I love them. My father was amazing, he fixed my lights, switched out old ones, fixed outlets, replaced amps...the list never ends-I love you daddy! My mom is an inspiration and gave me amazing tips and pointers for when Little Bear gets here, I hope I can be half as good of a mother as she is. I feel like I was really able to reconnect with my family after so long... great healing took place in my heart. I hope we never again let so much time go between visits.

Who couldn't fall in love with these faces? I admit I wanted to keep them, they made me happy to get up in the morning...and now my house, which was previously my sanctuary, is simply tooo big and quiet.




Little Bear needs to get here soon, my arms feel empty.

The Family is Coming!

I can hardly wait! For the FIRST TIME EVER my family is coming to visit. I have lived in Canada for 7 years now and this is the first time they have ever come to see me. Of course all are coming at once so let's do the math... 2 (Bart and I) + 3(Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Rich) +4 (Mom,Dad, Niece, Nephew) =9 people and oh yeah---ONE BATHROOM! This should be fun ;)! My niece and nephew are so adorable, I can hardly wait for the "kiddie practice". Thanks to my little bro for letting me borrow the kids for a while.

Hayden is going on 4 and Cheyenne is just under 2. I can't wait to love on them. I am afraid that they will get tired of me pretty quick. I hope to get some great photos of the two kidlets as I have NONE! Its a long story as to why I don't have any pictures of the kids...but hopefully that will be fixed soon.

Mommas New Shoes and Baby Stuff in the House!

The crib bedding arrived yesterday....I love it! It is so soft and perfect for Little Bear I think.







And My New "I need to feel like a girl" shoes. Just because!

A New Look

Just was getting bored with my blog's old look. I am going to try a few diffferent things and see what I like best. Its fun to play with the different options. Also, great way to procrastinate when doing report cards!

Cruising

RIght now we are just trying to relax -"cruise along" and prep to bring Little Bear home. We finished painting his room last weekend. Went shopping for his crib and other furniture (which won't be installed until after all of our guests have cycled through our house in JULY), and just have been generally enjoying having made it this far in the process. This weekend is for putting up closet organizers.

June is a crazy month at work so I am just trying to focus there for now, only a week and a half to go and then SUMMER vacation. Then I will start worrying more about when and how things will move along for paperwork,visa etc. I am sure. NOt that there is much I can do about it all anyway.

We were fortunate to receive an update and Little Bear is doing well. He is growing -10 cm in 2 months! He is so cute I can hardly wait to hold him, we have his picutres hung up everywhere. I never get tired of gazing into those big brown eyes.

Good luck to everyone in the adoption world. May whatever stage you are at go quickly and smoothly for you!

We PASSED!

Don't ask me how, but it happened we are officially Biyadegelegn's parents. Little Bear is ours!

Here he is showing you that he is number one in our hearts!

How am I feeling?

People keep asking me this at work. I want to say (and I think they expect) that I am thrilled, nervous etc. The truth is that right now I feel empty. I do NOT think we will pass court tomorrow -too many strikes against us in terms of paperwork issues that just never end.

So how do I feel? Like I just want tomorrow to be over so that we can move on to our REAL court date.

What a Negative Nellie I am huh? I am just tired I guess, tired of paperwork, tired of hustling to do my part when others can't be bothered to get their part done, tired, tired, tired. Most of all, I know that we have had it pretty easy relative to others in this process and I pray that we will not have any more challenges because I can't take it any more.

Happy Anniversary...

to us! Bart and I have been marrried 6 years today. This guy is my rock. When I was freaking out yesterday becasue YET MORE paperwork problems presented themselves he stayed cool. He fixed it, and drove the papers in to the agency personally so that they could be there on time to hopefully help for court Tuesday. Getting time off from the ARMY dudes isn't easy but he did it, and he did it for me and for our son. Is is any wonder I love this man!?!

Some other things I totally dig about my muchacho:

He dressed as close to Prince Charming as could be for our wedding. Cheesily I wanted the whole Cinderella feel and he tried to give it to me.

He loves to travel as much as I do (this is our trip to Sedona and the Grand Canyon)

He dislikes hockey as much as I do (so unCanadian I know)...but I loved watching him play rugby!


Bart adores children and is a favourite "uncle" to many!


He never complains about my HUGE burpy, smelly, farty, drooly love bucket-Kyah.



Oh yeah, and he's ALLLLLL mine! Happy Anniversary Bear.

Court Date-Must maintain hope.

Found out that some of our paperwork from the socialworker still isn't in to the agency. Court is on Tuesday people-what are the chances of it all coming together in time? Struggling to keep positive....help!

Bellydancing Babyshower

Ok, so maybe I went over the top a bit decorating for the baby shower, ya think? But well, I am a glamour girl and if you ask me to throw a party I CANT DO IT HALFWAY!!!

A Song For My Little Man

Because I can't wait to hear my Little Bear say "Mama" and "Dada"-(hopefully in Animal's voice-wouldn't that be cool!) I thought this song would be appropriate for today, and its just plain fun to watch this video! I mean, who doesn't love Queen, or the Muppets? Put then together and wellllll.....

">

Woohoo a Court Date!

Mark it on your calendar June 8th is the big day! Rationally I know that most folks don't make it through on their first court date...sometimes not even second, third, fourth etc. I can't allow myself to be negative about it though. I am trying to ride that fine line of cautious optimism and we JUST MIGHT get that lucky. At the same time trying to be realistic so that we don't have the tremendous letdown if things go awry.

It looks as though we slipped in just under the deadline and will not be having to attend court in Ethiopia. I am of two minds about this. Initially the extra cost caused a minor panic in our household...but we came up with solutions and have tremendous support in our community so we knew that we could handle it. Then I started to get excited about the idea of getting to see Little Bear sooner, the chance to hold him and love on him would be worth anything to me. So now I don't get to...kinda sad about that.

But, holy smokes people that court date is only 17 days away!!!!!! I was anticipating a July or August court date initially so I feel like I have won the lottery in that respect.